Complaining About Complainers

Irony alert:  I am about to, yes, complain about complainers.  I would prefer to think of it as venting, which I place in a different category, but I’m sure some will see it as complaining—so I want you to know that I am aware of the situation here.

So let’s start, then by defining complaining versus venting.  I don’t mind venting so much—everyone needs to vent.  Venting usually means that you’re not looking for advice or answers—you just want to get your frustration out there, take a deep breath, and get back to what you were doing.  You’re looking for someone to listen and nod.  And typically the topic of the vent is not an ongoing thing, or if it is, it’s not something you bring up a lot.  It’s usually something you just deal with, but for whatever reason you need to grouse a bit.  And lastly, venting is usually a small part of an otherwise larger relationship—a friendship or romantic relationship or maybe even a therapeutic relationship.  You have multiple interactions, most of which are not vent-related.

Venting can turn into complaining.  If every time I see you, you have to vent about either the same thing or something new, and most of our interactions are you ranting and me nodding—that’s complaining.

Complaining, I think, usually has an ulterior motive.  Legit complaining can lead to solutions—X happened, you don’t think it should have, and you want the doer of X to fix it by doing Y for you.  The most obvious scenario that comes to mind is consumer complaints.  Done correctly, it’s not annoying and it gets results.  Ultimately, though, you’re not voicing your concern because you want an ear and a nod.  You want a solution—you have a motive.

Annoying complaining comes when you’re either repeatedly whining about something that cannot be changed, repeatedly whining about something that you yourself could easily change, or repeatedly whining about anything and everything while also shooting down all possible solutions.  Complainers don’t want to feel better—they want to either be right or be miserable.

So why this topic now?  Well, the complaining has gotten a little out of hand in certain areas of my life. 

For example, at work right now there is a weight loss competition (and I did have a whole blog post written out about this before I decided that it was too…personal).  I am not participating because I’m not into group self-flagellation, but many of my coworkers are participating.  There are also people in my department who bring in candy and other sweets from time to time…and one dieter in particular whines every.  Single.  Time.

Here’s the thing:  the reason you can’t eat candy?  It’s rules that YOU made up for YOURSELF.  The only thing stopping you from eating candy is YOU.  (As an aside, I am someone who lived many years incredibly constrained by rules of her own creation, and when I had the breakthrough in therapy that the only thing holding me back was ME—it was probably the most freeing thing that has ever happened to me.)  So, if you really want the candy that badly, have one piece.  Hell, have ten pieces.  And if you really want to stick to your diet, then stick to your diet.  But I do not want to hear you complain about it.  I don’t sit there and loudly and rapturously enjoy my candy because I know you are dieting.  I would appreciate if you did not loudly moan and groan about your diet so I can enjoy my damn candy.

Another area that gets complained about regularly is work in general.  And you think that maybe it would be the Special Snowflake members of my generation, but actually, the most vociferous complainers are at least two generations older.  Newsflash ladies:  You’re here to make the boss’ life easier.  Bosses in general do not want to hear you whine.  If you have a legitimate complaint, book a meeting with her and bring solutions.  Otherwise, shut your trap. 

And now, I'm off to watch a PBS Special on Nigeria, aka Land of Job Security.