Dear X:

Dear Dog:
You cannot possibly need to go out NOW.  Not only is it raining sheets sideways, but it is thundering and lightning and I'm pretty sure there's some hail, too.  Add to that the fact that you're the prissiest rain sissy dog there is, and I'm pretty sure you're going to be holding it for a little bit.
Love, Me.

Dear Customer,
I understand that you are TOTALLY ALARMED by that extra $26 on your invoice, despite the fact that I told you last week that you could expect some more fraud this week.  By all means, leave me at least two voicemails and one email, for good measure.  Please ignore my voicemail greeting which states that I leave at 2:30pm central, when you started calling at 3pm central.  I'm sure if you keep calling, I'll magically appear.   Oh, and go ahead and call the 800 number at least twice.  The only thing that does is send me an additional two messages, because the account is assigned to me and thus no one else will touch it.  But hey, it's totally possible that I'll miss the other three messages.  Sure you don't want to send some pigeons, too?
Love, Me.

Dear Baking Cups,
I know you are in this house.  I know I have seen you recently.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHOW YOURSELVES.
Love, Me.

Dear Self,
How many times do you have to mess up projects by only reading one line ahead in the pattern instead of reading the whole damn thing before you start?  Also, if you are crocheting and it's not turning out like you thought, maybe your first thought shouldn't be PATTERN WRONG ME FIX, but rather, hey, why don't I read the whole thing first?  Luckily this one is working quite well with your non-fix fix, but consider yourself lucky, not gifted.
Love, Me.